As Ansarullah, we are often faced with Tarbiyyat issues surrounding our children. While one can be quick to blame the environment, their friends or the schooling system, it is very rare that we reflect on ourselves as the cause of such issues.
As our beloved Aqa, Syedna Khalifatul Masih V (aa) clearly articulated in his speech to AnsarUllah on September 29, 2024, there is a clear line between earning your child’s respect and simply expecting it because you are the parent. This line lies in the behaviour we exhibit. Our children pick up on our habits and our responses to situations, and as they grow, they either respect us more or less because of them.
When we reach Ansarullah, our children are normally at an age where they can understand what is going on around them and analyse the situation. If we want our children to respect us, there are certain habits we need to let go of.
1. Being Overly Authoritative
Maintaining discipline is crucial when raising children, but there is a fine line between discipline and dictatorship. Often, parents fall into the trap of establishing an overly authoritative environment. The Promised Messiah (as) has taught us that true guidance and upbringing are ultimately in God’s hands. Constantly nagging or over-correcting children implies that we can control their moral path, which is akin to associating partners with God. [Malfuzat [English], Vol. 1, pp. 181-182]
When children feel like their voices are not heard, they start seeing their parents as oppressors rather than mentors. Do not get me wrong, setting boundaries is important. But it is equally critical to allow your child some autonomy. Let them make decisions and learn from their mistakes. This way, your child will not only respect you more as they grow older, but they will also develop valuable life skills.
2. Not Practicing What You Preach
Leading by example is one of the most important rules that we can follow. I remember when one day my son, still a tifl, ignored the phone call from Murabi Sahib. Concerned, I asked him why he did not answer the call, to which he responded: “but you did the same when Sadr Sahib called.”
In my defence, a week earlier, I had just returned from work when the phone rang. Fully intending to call him back, I decided to freshen up before doing so. That set an example of ignoring important calls!
That day, I realized that children learn more from our actions than our words. It dawned on me that if I wanted him to respect the rules, I had to abide by them too. Letting go of this habit will not only earn you your child’s respect but also help them understand the importance of integrity and consistency. After all, we cannot expect them to respect us if we are not respecting the rules ourselves.
3. Dismissing Their Interests
Did you know that before the age of 7, children start developing their own interests[1]? These interests can range from dinosaurs and rocks to God and Angels.
When parents dismiss or belittle these interests, it can be quite discouraging for a child. It sends a message that their passions are not important. But if you take an active interest in what your child enjoys, you are showing them that their thoughts and feelings matter to you. It helps them feel validated and respected.
The best example of engaging with children in their inquiries comes through our beloved Aqa, Syedna Khalifatul Masih V (aa). Huzoor (aa) regularly holds interactive sessions with children and adults alike where their seemingly ordinary questions are met with thoughtful, informative answers that contribute towards their growth. For instance, when asked whether Ahmadi Muslims could work in restaurants that serve pork, Huzoor (aa) initially responded that if they had to personally handle or prepare pork, it would not be permissible. However, in a later session, another child sought clarification regarding Ahmadi Muslims working in stores that sold pork. In response, Huzoor expanded on his previous answer, explaining that if individuals were not directly involved in preparing or cooking pork but only interacted with it indirectly—such as handling transactions at the register—it would be permissible. This thoughtful engagement with questions, regardless of the age of the inquirer, shows that no question should be ridiculed. Instead, each inquiry offers an opportunity for learning and the further development of understanding[2].
So next time your son or daughter starts reciting facts about space or insists on watching the same cartoon over and over, instead of tuning out, tune in. It could lead to some interesting conversations and a stronger bond with your child.
4. Neglecting Promises
Promises to a child are like law. When we keep our promises, we show them that we are reliable and trustworthy. But when we break them, even for seemingly small things, it can shake their trust in us.
Think about it, if you promised to take your child to the park over the weekend but you end up cancelling, it sends a message that your commitments are not important. If you frequently promise to spend time with them and consistently cancel due to other obligations, then you should be mindful of the consequence. The child will develop feelings of worthlessness or abandonment, and your relationship will erode over time. Trying to correct this course of action later life through harshness or guilt trips does not undo years of broken word, it simply erodes your relationship further.
Hazrat Musleh Maud (ra) has consistently remined us that that our actions set a precedent. If we do not honour our commitments, how can we expect our children to honour theirs[3]?
So, make a conscious effort to keep your promises, no matter how small they may seem. It is a simple step towards building respect and trust with your child.
5. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
When my son, a young Khadim at the time, first asked me about lesbians, I was taken aback. It was a topic I was not prepared to discuss with him. I initially tried to talk around the question, but I realized that if I did not discuss these difficult topics with him, someone else would. And they might not explain it in a way that is appropriate.
Avoiding tough conversations can create a communication gap between you and your child. They may feel that they cannot approach you with serious or sensitive issues. If you feel uncomfortable speaking about a subject, you should let them know and ask your Murabi Sahib for assistance. If he cannot help, Jama’at has other resources that can guide you and your children in understanding difficult topics. But your openness to listen and help is crucial in building a bond. Remember the fact that they are asking you these questions because they trust you. This is your opportunity to further cement that trust and show your child that they can trust you with anything.
6. Always Solving Their Problems
As parents, it is instinctive for us to want to protect our children from hardship and solve problems for them. But doing this all the time can hinder their ability to learn problem-solving skills on their own.
Instead of solving their problems, guide them towards finding solutions rather than providing them outright. If you need help in understanding how to do this, read or watch any Q&A session with Hazrat Khalifatul Masih IV (ru) or our beloved Huzoor (aa). You will learn how to help your child think and solve problems. By solving problems for them, you are robbing them of their independence, which will cause more issues as they enter the society and are faced with decision making.
By guiding them towards principles, and not solving the problem yourself, you will help them become independent thinkers. They will respect you as a mentor.
Conclusion
It is befitting to conclude this brief article with the advice that Huzoor (aa) parted us with during the closing session of Lajna Ijtema in the UK on September 28, 2024.
Parents play a crucial role in fostering their children’s spiritual and physical growth, starting from birth. nurturing a household where worship and gratitude towards Allah are central is key, and parental neglect in spiritual education can lead to a child’s misguidance.
One must remain mindful that parental discord and neglect of spiritual duties can create confusion in children. Parents must take a unified approach, rooted in taqwa. This is essential in building a morally upright and spiritually strong family. The words of sermon read during a Nikah ceremony remind us of this key aspect.
As parents we must prioritize prayer as a shield against immorality, because sincere devotion in worship leads to spiritual growth. As parents, we must become role models, ensuring our children’s future by cultivating a strong connection with Allah.
[1] Alexander, Joyce M., et al. “The Development of Conceptual Interests in Young Children.” Cognitive Development, vol. 23, 2008, pp. 324–334, ScienceDirect. www.sciencedirect.com. See also: DeLoache, Judy S., et al. “Planes, Trains, Automobiles—and Tea Sets: Extremely Intense Interests in Very Young Children.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 43, no. 6, 2007, pp. 1579–1586, doi:10.1037/0012-1649.43.6.1579.
[2] https://www.alhakam.org/where-stars-descend-chapter-6-nurturing-the-future-part-i/
[3] Ahmad, Hazrat Mirza Bashir-ud-Din Mahmud. Way of the Seekers.
